Last Dance
by chimaera2
Summary: J/I fic...Irina muses over her time as Laura Bristow
1. The Curtain Opens

Last Dance  
  
Author: Yeah, me, chimaera, the chick who can't write anything but J/I on a good day.  
  
Summery: Irina muses over the events that lead her to her last week as Laura Bristow.  
  
Author's Notes: My damn muse hit me with this at three AM...scary. Reviews are what keep me writing- even if they offer not praise, but gentle criticism. So if you want to see more outta me, post something. He he. Honestly, guys, I get all warm and fuzzy knowing someone read something I wrote.  
  
This thing gave me the hardest time. At first, I thought, "Hmmm, I'll make it brief," but then it blew up into me having to add in bits of her past too. Oh well, don't think it'd be the same without.....  
  
Chapter One  
  
Irina's POV  
  
"Ninety-eight...ninety-nine...one hundred."  
  
Sweat pours down my face as I sit up, tucking my hair behind my ear neatly. It's funny that I keep up my exercising regimen as best as possible despite the fact I won't be able to use any good that comes out of it for a long while.  
  
But concentrating on simpler things keeps me from thinking about the past. What I've done...who I've killed...who I've hurt.  
  
It keeps me from thinking about the man who loves my daughter, and how I took away his father.  
  
It keeps me from thinking about the way Jack looks at me every time he enters this room.  
  
It keeps me from thinking about the way my daughter's eyes light up when she calls me "Mom."  
  
I'm not worthy of that title. Far from it. Her mother would have been there for her first day of the second grade. Her mother would have stuck around for her first crush. Her mother would have tucked flowers into her hair on her prom day, have cried at her high school graduation, and would have helped her pack for college. She would have seen the day her daughter got engaged to Danny, would have comforted her when he died.  
  
So no, I'm not her mother.  
  
But most of all, keeping myself preoccupied makes it harder to think about my secret. It's one no other person can actually admit they know the full extent of. Of course, my KGB superiors suspected they knew what was in my heart, and I'm sure Jack thinks the same.  
  
I don't know when I'll tell them. Perhaps it'll be today, maybe five years from now. What I have to say goes beyond intel for the CIA or a discussion on where my loyalties lie. My secret is a story of two women and how the life of one changed another.  
  
***  
  
"Irina, what you're saying is completely and utterly mad."  
  
Two raven-haired women walked down a dark hallway, one with a pack over her shoulder, the other empty handed.  
  
"Are you saying you intend to give up everything you have here to work for the KGB? That's unthinkable!"  
  
The taller of the two, Irina, the one with nothing to carry, stopped and rolled her eyes. "It's not giving up everything, it's perfectly honorable. I'll be serving my country and the memory of Stalin."  
  
"But you've worked so hard to go to the university, and you're saying you don't plan on going ever, now? How is working for Russia better?"  
  
"Because, I'll be working for the good of all of us," Irina snapped. "What good is going to the university when I could go and show everyone how strong I am?"  
  
Irina's sister, Anya, grimaced. "I...I just think this is wrong."  
  
"You think it's wrong," Irina mimicked. "Well, you would. You don't see what I do. I'll prove you wrong...I'll prove how powerful I can become."  
  
*** And how powerful was that, I thought silently. Amazing how naive I was at just eighteen. Ready to prove to the world I could become more than the average woman.  
  
And amazing how I never thought of where my life could take me. At eighteen, I'd never have dreamed of sitting here in this cell, regretting a good number of the choices I'd made.  
  
Funny how the most life-changing mission I chose to take, however boring it may have seemed, I never regretted.  
  
*** "The agent you'll be getting to know on a....personal...level is Jack Bristow. Graduated at the top of his class in high school and is at the top in college, and a renowned agent of the CIA. He's beginning research on a new project, involving children, and we want to know everything about it." The man droned on and on about the mission, all the while noticing how Irina yawned and sighed throughout the entire debriefing. He finally paused.  
  
"You do realize, Agent Derevko, how important this mission is. We haven't beaten them since Sputnik- learning what they're developing will aid us in regaining our power."  
  
"Yes, I understand. Seems such a waste, though, to waste my skills in other areas by putting me into a relationship with a boring man who cares for nothing but his work," Irina intoned.  
  
"This will not be your only work in America, Agent Derevko. You'll hear from us often. And, believe me when I say your skills will not by far go to waste..."  
  
*** A boring man who cares nothing for his work, I called him. Little did I know how passionate Jack Bristow could be, how open and enthusiastic. And it didn't take me long to enjoy what time I spent with him.  
  
  
  
AN: I think I'm going to stop it here to drive you guys insane...or to give you a chance to run out screaming, shouting, "WHY ME?!" Let me know if you want more..... 


	2. Being Laura

Chapter Two  
  
Laura grabbed her sandwich- ham and Swiss on rye- and sighed as she realized she had no place to sit in the crowded college deli. She skimmed her seating possibilities...Jocks and cheerleaders...Brains discussion science research....hello, guy sitting by himself studying. She smiled, knowing what she had to do...No, what Irina had to do...and she tiptoed towards the young man.  
  
"Excuse me, can I sit here? I hate to bother you, it's just the place is so crowded."  
  
He didn't look up from his work, but shuffled his papers over slightly and uttered a curt, "Yes."  
  
Well this isn't going to well, Laura thought to herself as she slid into the vacant chair and unwrapped her lunch. She tried her best not to make it evident she was studying the young man closely.  
  
"What are you working on?" she whispered quietly, so she wouldn't disturb him too much.  
  
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "A thirty page essay for literature...on War and Peace. It's a bit difficult to summerize all that information into just ten pages, then spend the other twenty analyzing it all."  
  
"Can I help? Literature's my major...I'm hoping to study it in grad school."  
  
"You're kidding. You're a lifesaver, you know that," he said, his eyes warm and grateful. "Work's a bit...stressful, I barely have time to work on my studying."  
  
"It's not problem. I'm...Laura, by the way." Damn, she thought, I could've really screwed things up there.  
  
"Jack. I'll tell you what. I'll grab us some coffee and we'll head over to the dorms to study."  
  
"That would be great, Jack."  
  
***  
  
We'll head over to the dorms to study...I heard that one a lot...In two years, he and I went from "studying" in his dorm to much more in the house he purchased after graduation. He proposed to me, as the story goes, and we married, supposedly happily. And despite what Jack thinks now, it was happily. In the two years since I'd sat down with him and almost admitted my deception out loud, the person I had grown up to be, Irina Derevko, ceased to exist, as I grew into Laura Bristow.  
  
***  
  
He'd asked her to marry him, right there in the park.  
  
"I know I'm not great at expressing my feelings all the time," he said, placing his hand on her knee as she sat beside him on a park bench. "So I'm not sure if you realize that when I'm with you, everything makes sense. I don't worry when I'm around you, and I can't think about anything else but you."  
  
Jack paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts together. "You've helped me through so many things...term papers...financial worries...without breaking a sweat. Here I was, practically pulling out my hair ready to break down and cry in frustration, and you walk in and make everything better.  
  
"So," he said, pulling a small black box from his pocket, "What I'm asking you to do is say you'll always be around to make things better all the time. To make my life better."  
  
Laura smiled, knowing what was going to come next. Instead of allowing Jack to kneel, she gave her consent with a kiss.  
  
***  
  
At that point, Irina Derevko was pretty much dead. I was Laura fully, then...Laura, who grew up an only child, who was going to study literature until the day she died. And I gave Irina little thought for almost eight years.  
  
***  
  
Damn, Laura thought, as the blissful utopia of her sleep was shattered by wailing. Loud wailing. And judging from the sound of it, the wailing wasn't going to stop any time soon.  
  
Laura eased herself out of bed, which she noted had been occupied only by herself. Jack must be working downstairs.  
  
She started to shuffle towards the wailing's origin, when she realized it was, in fact, being replaced by a shushing sound. She walked into another room, and saw Jack holding their week-old daughter in his arms.  
  
"I thought you'd be tired," he said softly, "So I thought I'd see to her."  
  
Laura hesitated. "Is she okay?" she murmured, concerned. "Not hungry or anything?"  
  
"No, I think she just wants a bit of attention."  
  
He was such a great father to Sydney. While most new fathers would be freaking out over little things like first feedings or changing diapers, he fit into the role with ease. Laura loved how he didn't hold back in his new job.  
  
"Well, then," Laura chuckled, "That shouldn't be a problem considering how you hover over her all the time."  
  
Jack smiled, then, proud. Sydney, at a week-old, was already breathtaking with her fine brown hair and delicate features.  
  
Laura moved towards her daughter and Jack, feeling her eyes begin to tear up.  
  
"What is it?" Jack whispered. "Is everything all right?"  
  
"Fine," she choked out. "Just hormones, you know?"  
  
***  
  
Hormones my foot, I thought. I think in that moment I realized this little girl would have to depend on her father for the vast majority of her life. But I managed to block out those thoughts, even on the forays I did for the KGB, until Sydney was six. A week before Laura Bristow's death. 


	3. Where It All Starts Crashing Down

Last Dance  
  
AN: Wow, we're finally at the original premise of my story- the last week of Irina's life as Laura Bristow. *Sigh* Took me long enough to get to the point, eh? Read and review. You talk, I write, that simple. LOL.  
  
Chapter Three  
  
An alarm buzzed angrily right next to Laura's ear as she reentered the waking realm. "Get up," she muttered, playfully shoving her husband, who lay somewhat on top of her, away.  
  
"Call in and tell them I'm preoccupied," Jack murmured back as he opened his eyes and groaned.  
  
"Do they pay you for taking off days in which you're preoccupied?" Laura inquired innocently as she wrapped her arms around Jack's neck.  
  
"Nope," he sighed, leaning in to nibble Laura's ear, then getting up. "Off to shower," he said over his shoulder.  
  
"I'll wake Sydney up," Laura said, rolling herself out of bed and almost onto the floor.  
  
She padded down the hall silently sneaking up on the doorway of Sydney's room. She wasn't as good at this game as Sydney and Jack were, but she tried to hold her own. She slowly reached the entrance and looked towards the bed when a small figure attacked her knees.  
  
"Got ya!" Sydney shouted gleefully.  
  
Laura feigned surprise as she tickled her daughter's stomach while the girl shrieked. "Pancakes for breakfast?" she inquired when the two tired of the game.  
  
"With blueberries," Sydney agreed.  
  
Laura headed towards the kitchen. "Get dressed and we'll see who will take you to school."  
  
She was almost finished making breakfast when Jack wandered downstairs, filling the downstairs area with a scent of aftershave Irina remembered years later. He grabbed her around the waist.  
  
"Little rascal up yet?" he whispered in her ear.  
  
"Yes, and it's thanks to her you're getting blueberries."  
  
"Wish I were getting much more...like an all-expenses paid vacation for two to an abandoned island.." he trailed off.  
  
"Behave," Laura whispered back. "You're daughter will be downstairs any minute and we don't need another toaster incident. And you know we can't fully blame the alcohol for needing to move out for a week."  
  
He pouted playfully.  
  
"Besides, we're going out together tomorrow night. And while we're not going to a deserted island, dinner will be equally great," she reminded him.  
  
"Just dinner?" he said.  
  
"Maybe a little extra if you're nice."  
  
Sydney bounced downstairs, grabbing the plate Laura prepared for her. "Who's taking me?"  
  
"Well, since mommy got you up, I think I will," he said, placing a kiss on the top of Sydney's head.  
  
"Sounds fine to me," Laura said. "I think I'm going to get some reading done today."  
  
Thirty minutes later, she was chasing her daughter and husband out the door. "Have a good day, Sydney," she said as she kissed her daughter. "And you come home early," she told Jack, kissing him as well as Sydney watched, amused. Laura turned, not to housework, but to Jack's office when their car was out of sight. Flipping through his files, she muttered, "Old, old, old..." and realized Jack hadn't brought home anything on Project Christmas for two weeks now. "Odd," she murmured, thinking of how she should be bothered, but wasn't. They'd left her alone for a good two months, now, and Laura was getting used to it.  
  
At 10:45, a knock sounded on the door, and as Laura opened the door she realized she was looking into a face she thought she would never see again.  
  
"Anya?"  
  
***  
  
Where it all headed downhill, I reminded myself. I realized my time in paradise was ending and the presence of that man meant that I was to return to the world I'd grown up in. Irina Derevko was returning.  
  
***  
  
She told Laura what she expected to hear. That in five day's time, Laura Bristow would tragically perish in a car wreck and Irina Derevko would return to Russia with her findings. Laura took it well, or so it seemed. "Anya, why did they send you?" Laura asked.  
  
Anya sighed. "They knew you would be highly resistant to leaving. That you would want to stay. God, I don't know why I'm actually coming right out and saying this. But they think you'll be more willing to come if I showed up. We were close once, Irina, remember? Remember nights by the fireplace? Remember going to school together? Or did you forget all of that?"  
  
"Of course I didn't!" Laura insisted. "How could I? I'll- I'll come. They mean nothing to me."  
  
"Not even her?" Anya shot back, gesturing to a picture of Sydney. "Not even your daughter?"  
  
Laura hesitated for a moment, not realizing she would be asked this question twice- over twenty years later, in Taipei- and that she would answer it the same way both times. A lie, both times, but her life was a lie. "No. She means nothing to me."  
  
"Good."  
  
It was with a smiling face that Laura shut the door behind her sister. She slid to the floor, and buried her face in her hands and cried for the first of many times that week. 


	4. Trying to Maintain Normalcy

Last Dance  
  
AN: You see what feedback does to me?? It makes me get off my hands and write faster! Thanks for your support, guys!  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Laura was going through the motions for the rest of the day. She vacuumed, mopped, and scoured, cursing herself for thinking she'd escaped her past finally.  
  
Anya's appearance haunted her. Her own sister- no, Irina's sister- asked her if she cared about Sydney and accepted a lie. She was so confused. Why wouldn't Anya love Sydney too? At 3:30, the afternoon carpool dropped Sydney off at home. "Look what I drew, mommy!" she exclaimed, waving a piece of white paper in the air above her head.  
  
Laura took the picture into her hands. It was a family portrait, herself, Laura, and Jack, at her favorite park feeding the ducks at the pond.  
  
"It's lovely, baby," Laura said, hugging Sydney. "Why don't you go put it on Daddy's desk- I bet it will be his favorite."  
  
Sydney took the picture away, handling it carefully as she walked away.  
  
Around 5:30, Jack walked in, dropping his briefcase and coat as Sydney dashed towards him. Laura made her way to Jack more slowly, greeting him with a kiss and a "Dinner will be ready in half an hour."  
  
Sydney lead her father to the study, exclaiming, "Look at the picture I drew! Mommy said you'd like it."  
  
Laura began to tear up at the image- father holding his daughter's hand- and she realized this was one of this little girl's last days of normalcy. In a matter of five days, Laura would die, and Sydney would no longer have a mother.  
  
***  
  
Laura stayed awake later than normal tonight, as her head and heart raged war on each other.  
  
"This is your job. You came, you seduced, you learned, and now you leave. Veni vedi vici, you know?" her head told her.  
  
"But you didn't count on the fact you'd fall in love, did you? You didn't count on Sydney's birth to attach you even more to Jack, if that was even possible," her heart screeched back.  
  
"Look, if you don't go, they'll kill Jack and Sydney. If you tell them, you'll run away, and they'll kill all three of you. You go, you die, but they live. Plain and simple. I don't get why you're getting all worked up...Remember how you thought this would be easy?" her head taunted.  
  
"Why can't I fix this? We've made things right before..." the heart countered back.  
  
"You know who you are. What, did you think you were really Laura Bristow? Would Laura have killed William Vaughn? And the others?" Laura's head had the final word.  
  
*** Anya returned to her hotel that night frustrated and angry at what Irina had become. Hadn't she vowed to become powerful? If this is what Irina called powerful, Russia was d*mned. Oh, she'd completed her mission of course- she'd sent a barrage of information to her KGB superiors. But she fell in love in the process. How rich of her, Anya thought angrily. I heard she'd called this mission simple. Well, let's see how simple it is to finish the mission.  
  
She knew she'd left Irina confused. The woman was probably sitting at home wondering what the h*ll had just transpired. Why Anya had become so cold. Why Anya didn't she what Irina saw in this life.  
  
Irina has no clue how hard the last decade has been on her family. After life in Russia had continued to deteriorate, Anya had decided to follow her sister's footsteps in becoming an agent for the government. She worked so she wouldn't have to see the rest of the family starve- her mother and father, cousins, aunts and uncles. She worked so she wouldn't see her family fall ill and die, like so many around her.  
  
I have every right to be bitter. Irina has been living a dream life while we're at home falling apart. She doesn't deserve it. It's as if she has forgotten why she chose this path in the first place.  
  
***  
  
"How long does it take you to get ready?" Jack yelled upstairs to Laura, hoping she would hear him through the bathroom door.  
  
"You should know, you've been with me how long?" she bellowed back, putting the finishing touches on her makeup.  
  
She sauntered downstairs, making sure Jack knew how she noticed his eyes followed her at all times. She smiled as she gathered Sydney into a hug.  
  
"Make sure you behave for Michelle," she warned Sydney as she turned her daughter over to the babysitter's care.  
  
She kissed Sydney several times- in compliance with tradition- and she finally grabbed Jack's hand and headed towards the car.  
  
The restaurant they were going to- Chez Pierre- was a favorite of theirs, since it was where they had their first date together. They ordered their traditional meal- foie gras with red wine- and talked about the future Laura realized they would never have as they waited for their food.  
  
"I think Sydney ought to be lonely by now," Jack said, flirting with Laura. The candlelight and first glass of wine were starting to get to him.  
  
"Mmm, that a fact. You sure that's the only reason you want more children?" she flirted back, smiling.  
  
"Well, practicing is always fun," he shot back, smirking.  
  
"Hmmm, practicing..." Laura whispered seductively. She leaned in to kiss him, but the waiter rudely interrupted the couple by presenting their entrees.  
  
She was surprised at her own performance. Here she was, four days before her life would be shattered, before Jack's and Sydney's were ruined as well, and she was leading Jack on by making plans for their future. In reality, Laura felt nothing but despair. She was so surprised that no one had figured out something was wrong.  
  
So why don't you tell them, then, her heart piped up once more.  
  
But by then, her mind had already won. In revealing her fallacy, she'd endanger not just herself and Jack, but Sydney as well- she couldn't do that to her own child. As it was, she was afraid that once she was gone, nothing would stop the people she worked for than to kill the family she'd left behind.  
  
***  
  
And now I think that I should have confessed to Jack. I think I was stupid to think we couldn't handle whatever the threat was. Sydney and Jack were so strong, so perseverant, that they could make a death threat seem like a mere trifle. I try to force myself to stop thinking about what happened. Mourning for the past won't do any good, I tell myself. But I can't. The whole story has to be told, not just a part.  
  
*** 


	5. Becoming Irina

Last Dance  
  
AN: This was originally the last chapter, with an Irina POV at the end...but since you guys gave me so much encouragement, there's one more after this...  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Laura felt as if she was drowning. Well, perhaps she was. After all, that's how she would die, wasn't it? But she wasn't drowning in water- no, even worse, emotion. She felt such desperation and hopelessness that she thought it would kill her. She hated herself, couldn't believe the choices she had made in the past, couldn't believe she would serve a country she hadn't seen for ten years instead of the demands of her husband and daughter.  
  
And she hated how Anya spoke of Jack. She was so...ruthless. Had she been like this in the past? She called him many names, called him stupid, and naive, and Laura wished she could just tell her sister that, no, Jack wasn't like that, he was so intelligent, and gentle, and full of life.  
  
But Laura knew she would have to endure this. Listening to Anya was just the beginning.  
  
And she knew she would have to learn to call him the same.  
  
***  
  
The next three days passed by in a blur for Laura. She thought that Anya's arrival with her orders had only been a dream...or so she thought until she got a call reminding her of SOP the next day.  
  
Jack called from work suggesting they go out that night, and Laura realized she would have to choose between spending her last night in this life with her daughter and husband.  
  
As much as I hate to admit it, Sydney will forget a lot about me after I die. Jack won't. But she'll forgive me for what I've done...and he probably never will.  
  
Tears coursed down Laura's cheeks as she cheerfully agreed to a night of drinking and dancing.  
  
***  
  
I was right, Jack hadn't forgiven me. I couldn't imagine, even then, how much he would hate me when I popped back into his life. I'd felt hate in my lifetime, many times, and most of it was directed at myself. But what he felt for me transcended hate...this emotion had no name.  
  
The Jack that Laura knew wouldn't have been able to feel like that...and I realize that it's my fault he can.  
  
I can't believe what I've done to him. I couldn't imagine that he would be like this...I imagined that he would find someone else, someone who could love him without a lie, someone who could be Sydney's mother. The one who could do all that I couldn't.  
  
But he didn't. He withdrew into himself, and became cold and impersonal instead.  
  
***  
  
Twelve hours and several scotches later, Jack was trying to convince Laura to dance with him. "Come on!" he exclaimed, playfully pulling her onto the dance floor as the live band struck up a slow dance.  
  
She succumbed to his requests and was instantly enclosed in his arms. Despite what she knew had to happen in just a day's time, she realized she still felt at home there. She still felt like Laura, who danced with Jack at her wedding, and in the privacy of their own home, and at parties.  
  
But this dance wasn't like the others- she'd been happy like then, and dancing had seemed like Heaven. She was surprised that dancing with Jack would be Hell.  
  
They revolved slowly on the floor, and as the song came to it's end, he whispered in her ear, "You know I love you. Always, I promise."  
  
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded. "I love you too. Never forget that, whatever happens to us."  
  
He noticed, then, that she was crying. "Let's go home. You're tired," he said.  
  
***  
  
Tears roll down my cheeks as I whisper to myself, "He forgot. He forgot that I loved him. He forgot that I'm sorry."  
  
***  
  
As they drove away, Laura realized that was her last dance with Jack. And for the rest of her time as Laura, she prayed that it would never end.  
  
Laura gave herself up to Jack that night, hoping he would realize what had caused her to cry.  
  
And as she sat watching him later, tracing his chest with her fingers, she swore she would never forgive herself for all the hurt Irina would cause this man.  
  
She'd cried again, thinking Jack was asleep, but it turns out he knew something was wrong. "Laura, please don't cry. Tell me what is wrong."  
  
She could only say, "I can't make this right. I'm sorry." She hoped he would ask what, because she was willing to pour out her feelings at his word, but he simply took her into his arms and whispered back, "You'll make it right. I know you will."  
  
***  
  
The next morning seemed like any other- only one person in the room realized this was the end of normalcy for everyone present. She made French toast for them all, Jack's favorite, she realized and they giggled together discussing their plans for the day. Sydney would be going to her dance lessons, and Jack said he would be staying late in the office.  
  
"Sydney, would you mind if I took you to school today?" Laura asked, praying her daughter would say yes. And after all the praying I've done, I need something to come out right, she thought.  
  
"Sure, mommy," Sydney replied.  
  
Laura kissed Jack goodbye, willing herself not to cry as they parted. "Ready for school, kid?" she called to Sydney as she broke away reluctantly and prayed for one last time that Jack would see something in her eyes.  
  
Sydney was quiet on the way to school, and as she popped open the passenger's side door, she suddenly burst into tears.  
  
Laura couldn't control her own emotions and began to cry too as she asked Sydney, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Why do I feel like something is wrong?" Sydney wailed.  
  
Laura grabbed Sydney and held her close until both mother and daughter stopped sobbing. Please let her figure it out...please, let her get sick; make me stay at home with her....  
  
"Shhh," Laura whispered, feeling her heart break for the first time that day. "Everything will be fine."  
  
Sydney finally gathered up her school things and stepped outside, waving solemnly to her mother.  
  
Laura drove a mile away and pulled over, as she sobbed hysterically for what seemed like hours, finally accepting that this was it...the only thing that could stop her now was herself. And when she finally calmed down, she realized from that moment on she was Irina Derevko again.  
  
*** 


	6. Finding Her

AN: This is it. The home stretch. Tell me what you think, and I might do a little dance.. Thanks, you guys, for all your feedback in support- if it weren't for you, there seriously would not have been a chapter six...So hugs to you all for your encouragement!  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Ha. Everything will be fine. What a lie, I tell myself as tears slide down my cheeks now, heavier than they did then. The last thing I said to my six-year-old daughter was a mere fairy tale of things Sydney would never see.  
  
I can't believe how Sydney persevered through her childhood. I've realized that she's lost almost everything around her, but she still keeps charging on. She lost Laura...she lost Jack to work and grief...she lost Danny to Sloane. She didn't have what I envisioned for her...yet she became more than I could have ever dreamed. And yet she can still find it within herself to love.  
  
If anyone can bring Jack out of his shell, it's Sydney. His eyes light up when he sees her in a room. He's so fiercely protective of her, just as he had been when she was a baby. She brings every emotion out of him that I can't. He'd die for her. And he would have died for Laura too.  
  
Why didn't I realize, when I was younger, how this mission would alter my life? Laura's death affected me too: in the years that followed, I was no longer as bold and reckless, nor as self-assured. I mourned Laura's death too, because I realized that I couldn't find a bit of her inside of myself.  
  
Anya, I think, realized as we grew older that I never recovered from what I experienced that decade. But as she told me, just a few months before I saw my daughter again, "You chose this life. You said it would make you powerful. And look around you. You have everything you could wish for."  
  
But I don't. I don't have him. I don't know if I ever truly will.  
  
***  
  
They came to tell me about Laura's funeral. I was sitting on the dirty floor, in the little cinder block box they'd kept me in since Laura died.  
  
And as they told me about how he'd stopped coming to work in despair, and how he could come back to her grave and cry for hours, I knew I'd screwed up. He was supposed to keep working and never quit. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as they practically danced in joy, exclaiming about how he'd never be the same.  
  
Must've come as a shock when he returned to work with a vengeance after hearing about my lie. When he took down everything they'd worked for.  
  
I was proud. I thought he'd made it through everything okay...he was known and feared throughout the world by anyone who opposed what he stood for. That thought didn't prepare me for our first meeting together, after I turned myself in. I wasn't ready for the malice and anger that waited for me.  
  
***  
  
And I realize, now, that this secret is one that needs to be shared, as I hear his footsteps in the corridor. Jack tries to hide his concern as he glances at me, but I can see it in his eyes.  
  
"Can you- can you come in here?"  
  
He senses my need to talk with him without the interference of a wall of glass in our way. He steps in, and I take his hands, and will myself to get my act together despite his flinch at my touch.  
  
"There is something I need to tell you about. Something I should have told you and Sydney years ago."  
  
He doesn't want to listen...he doesn't want to know. He can't imagine that I'd love him, even though I told him repeatedly our last night together. After I made him swear he wouldn't forget. Did he think that was a lie too?  
  
I wonder if he still thinks of Laura the same way...or if I've tainted those memories. I wonder if he could ever come to love me.  
  
I lead him over to my makeshift bed. "You told me- no, Laura- that she could make everything right for you, no matter how desperate things were. And I think you were right when you said years ago that she could make things right. So, just listen to what I have to say, because I need to fix everything."  
  
I tell him my story, hoping he'll see who I am. That he'll be able to see the truth behind all the lies.  
  
And when I finish, tears course down both our cheeks as we realize we have found Laura once more. 


End file.
